Almost to Chapter 4

Two post in one day? No. One is just old. For this one to make sense you should probably read the first one though. I'm back, to the bedroom awaiting the next time the tones drop, if they do at all for the remainder of the shift. 

Today was going to be the day and then, out of an unknown emotion I chose to wait. Wait one more day before I finally set myself free. Free from the burden of care, free from the burden of truly understanding. I have put it off for far too long and I've finally put in the work and figured out where to go from here. The answer is, I truly don't know yet. My life is going to be a little bit of back and forth for a while, sort of like the trade off between parents after a divorce. The mixes of emotions, the fear, feelings of being homesick. That's all the things I'm choosing to look forward to. I am choosing to brush it off as an outgrowth of one place but in reality it is the most toxic breakup (as far as workplace) that I think I may ever endure. The one I loved and cherished so deeply that I allowed it to break me in hopes that I could change it. 

Let's go back. I've not been very consistent with this whole blogging thing, not as much as I once wished to be. I tend to pick things up and completely give it my all just to let it fade away into my history at some point in time. I have consistently done this with multiple things and I'm truly not sure why. I'm sure a psychiatrist or some other sort of brain specialist could explain the things I struggle with and why, but for now... I want to remember. Those who come before me and are no longer with us.

There was once a journalist who was really good at his job. He covered things from both sides, was not biased, nor was he very easily politically correct. He told the truth from all sides but kept the doubtful things interesting. He was well known for his work and truly put his heart into everything he done. He was courageous and in short form, one of the best there will ever be at what he did. He was my inspiration for jumping back on this today. After months of absence, one Facebook post is all it took to motivate me to open the laptop and start typing away. 

I definitely could use some form of therapy or maybe some sort of medication. I could use a whole lot of self love and way less self doubt and going into this next chapter that is what I am choosing to do. A resignation letter to the place who has taken the joy out of the thing I once looked forward to. To clarify, I can't say that is completely their fault and not some faults of my own but I hope with the handover a weight of pressure is lifted from my shoulders and my soul. 

I want to enjoy the very thing that once brought me so much joy, that humbled me in so many ways, that let me be the provider for the sick, injured, and even lonely that healed little parts of me. It's truly easy to say that some people have definitely found the easy route around here. They've settled into being the bare minimum in everything they do and go home to pay bills with it. That did not so easily work out for me. I've lost sleep, I've cried, I've slept too much... and found myself even considering getting out of EMS completely because of the thoughts that if it's like this here... it's probably like this everywhere.

I haven't typed up my notice... nor do I truly know what I'm even going to say. I am scared of the outcome and scared of starting over again... but sometimes that is exactly what you have to do. Leave everything you've known this long behind, cross your fingers, pray (if you're that type), and have faith that it will all work out better than you could ever imagine. 

The one thing I know thus far and will warn against is, this job is stressful enough without having to hate the environment that is suppose to be your safe space. You're going to have partners who come and go. You're going to have bad calls. You're going to have good shifts and bad... but the place you work should never be the reason your mental health declines, and that is the place I have found myself in for more shifts than one. Therefore I am choosing to pursue my peace and continue on to things that are meant for me. It breaks my heart to leave the place I love so dearly, but in some sense or another, at this moment in time... it is no longer what is meant for me, therefore I have to let go.

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